22-Jump-Street-2

Opinion
By James Pavel

  1. Channing Tatum’s armpits. Dude, we get that you shave your upper pubes, which is either practical or the second most metrosexual trait you could have next to wearing capris and waxing your eyebrows, but do we need a close-up of your naked under-arms for the final 15 minutes of the movie?
  2. Jonah Hill’s complete indifference. Hill’s material in this movie gives the impression that after emailing his four best comedic bits and antidotes, he decided to get mind-numbingly ripped with Seth Rogan. Stoned out of his skull, he then emailed a fifth strip of half-written, barely legible ideas to the directors of 22 Jump Street who incredibly, decided to green-light his material. He made his pay-day, but surrendered some of the brownie points he received for taking a pay cut to star in the legitimately hilarious, Wolf of Wall Street.
  3. It has no depth. Nor does it have Johnny Depp,  who although has made seven Tim Burton movies too many, would have balked at the idea of a sequel to this dim-witted ploy for money.
  4. Not only robbing the jokes from the first movie, but admitting to doing it repeatedly throughout this clogged dumpster of a film, making me feel like an absolute moron for paying to see this instead of just having a friend download it off of some hell-bound, pirate-ran website.
  5. The dorm room twins. What in the blue heavens do these two add to this project? I don’t think I’ve ever loathed two characters for doing so little. The worst is that they chirp Hill and Tatum for looking older than college students, despite both of them looking like the older brothers of Barack Obama.
  6. Making me wish this suddenly became a college football movie starring Channing Tatum because the scenes where he plays a wide receiver are by far the most exciting and believable of this wasteland, shit storm of a movie.
  7. Ruining the momentum both of these main characters currently have going for them. Hill is hot off of Wolf of Wall Street and Tatum is likely to elevate his game drastically with the release of FoxCatcher.
  8. Making Spring Break in Mexico look fun when every person over the age of 21 knows it’s a penis fiesta, which isn’t good when you’re into bikinis and vaginas.
  9. ‘Suns out, guns out’ tank top. So 2012.
  10. Making college parties look exactly like high school parties.
  11. Suggesting that the main difference between high school and college is this: In high school you don’t know what you want to do with your life except that you want to make money and in college you discover what you want to do, except you know that you will make no money doing it.
  12. The jokes about Hill and Tatum being old. It made me feel old which then made me force the remainder of the 10-pound bag of popcorn down my larynx like I hadn’t eaten since Christmas.
  13. Puka shell necklaces. Don’t even dare to try bringing that atrocity back.
  14. The funniest parts are in the previews.
  15. It’s worse than Anchorman 2 and I thought that would be impossible.
  16. That red mohawk. In what twisted universe would that ever be cool?
  17. The excessive use of the F-bomb. I love to drop the F-bomb, I love to hear the F-bomb and yes, I even enjoy to F-bomb. But when literally every fifth word rhymes with duck, it becomes rapidly trite.
  18. Ice Cube’s one-dimensional acting.
  19. Suggesting that Jonah Hill could sleep with Ice Cube’s fictional, but smoking hot daughter.
  20. The laughing, stoned hyenas in front of me that made me want to strangle them with every ounce of energy in my popcorn-fueled body.
  21. It being incomprehensibly worse than it’s predecessor.
  22. Delivering me not one, solid, red-faced laughter explosion.
Advertisements