Archives for posts with tag: Alberta


By James Pavel

5. Billy Big Rigs vs. Bombay Bicycles 

In Edmonton, you drive a jacked–up, steel-balls, diesel-running, music-screaming, mother-truckin’, Billy big-rig. F 150s, Chevy Silverados, and GMC Sierras are the howling beasts of the north that remind everyone they’re in Oil Country.

In Calgary, the summer streets resemble the Tour de France. Everyone and their black squirrel cycle to work. They’ve even created bike lanes on main arteries to the city to accommodate this mass locomotive. In Edmonton, unless you’re parading down the River Valley, bikes are for the hardcore.

4. Calgarians have more material, Edmontonians have the best joke

Calgarians could perform a half-hour set of jokes strictly ridiculing the City of Edmonton. They are painfully relentless. I’ve heard “What is the best thing about Edmonton?” (Calgary Trail), no exaggeration, 3 million times.

But when the prairie snow settles, Edmontontians trump the southern cowboys every time. What’s the difference between the Calgary Flames and a bra? Thought so.

3. ‘Mony, Mony’

In Calgary bars, during every slight pause of Billy Idol’s “Mony, Mony” Southern Albertans roar “Get drunk, motherf*cker get drunk,” like a wild pack of booze-riddled banshees.  It’s obnoxious, rude and completely insane, which makes it rip-roaring fun every single weekend in Cow-Town.

Based on zero research, I have come to determine that this trend stems from waiting in line at the Calgary Stampede. How to freshen up an 80s’ classic for the entire lineup to enjoy? Why, drop a couple F-bombs of course.

2. ‘What’s Your Number?’

If you ask someone for their number in the northern chapter, they dial in the digits and press save. Done. You may or may not here from this individual ever again. In Calgary, after pressing save, the individual will call you so you now have his or her phone number on your missed call display. It’s the single, grandest example of shameless, buck-passing you will ever encounter. The ball is no longer strictly in the number-taker’s court. The ball has been placed directly in the centre, and it becomes a riveting, armpit-sweat inducing, blinking contest as to who will text who first.

1.Oiler Pride

“Let’s go Oilers” is the Edmonton National anthem. You could be dropping your child off at summer swimming camp on a Tuesday afternoon and suddenly, but not surprisingly, a “Let’s Go Oilers” chant erupts like a raging volcano. It’s a battle cry. It’s the common tongue. It’s also an urge that does not exist in Calgary. Outside of the Saddledome, I have never, ever heard a “Let’s go Flames” uproar. Calgary loves hockey, this I know. But when the Flames lose, the city still sleeps. When Oilers lose a bout, Edmontonians scream at miserable sports radio hosts about who to trade, who to fire and who to crucify at Rexall Place the next morning.

Edmontonians would actually hesitate if asked to sacrifice their first-born in order for the Oil to capture another cup. They would eventually surrender the child, and out would come a jubilant “Let’s Go Oilers,” chant heard from St. Albert to Nisku.

By S
éamus Smyth

5. Clean up Hawrelak Park

Apparently this park was built on an ancient landfill which certainly won’t help matters. But regardless of its unfortunate past life, this place is literally in the chest cavity of the city. Despite the mountains of bird poop, people still flock to this summertime Mecca year after year. Why don’t we give the boys and girls something to do besides watch the dogs of passerby’s bark at one another and dodge the bewildered Frisbees of pseudo-athletes? Let’s throw some sand on that plot of grass, turn that giant body of water into the biggest pool party Edmonton has ever seen, so we can stop pretending driving out to Alberta Beach and Pigeon Lake isn’t a pain in the rectum.

4. Create a more pedestrian-friendly Whyte Ave

Every major metropolis in the world has a main strip of its central area shut off from traffic and open to pedestrians at all hours. It would be impossible to do on Jasper Ave because it serves as a main artery for commuters coming to and from work. But Whyte Ave could potentially pull it off. Would it require some re-configuring for adjacent apartment buildings? Yes. Would there likely need to be a parking area created on the edge of the pathways so people can at least get that far? Yes. Wow, that was easy.

3. Support the downtown arena

The arena is going through regardless of the $100 trillion shortfall, or whatever the number comes out to. But rather than be skeptics about the entire procedure, why don’t Edmontonians begin looking at methods of coming up with this extra cash? This arena will be a massive boon to not only downtown, but to the entire city; think hard Mr. and Mrs. Brightside.

2. Fight back against mosquitoes

I am not a scientist; therefore I cannot recommend any reasonable solution to fighting back against the evil mosquito population except for calling for their complete annihilation. Yes, the squeeters are bad in a number of places across Canada during the summer, but they seemed to have become die-hard Edmonton fans over the past three years. What was once a pest is now a legitimate reason to stay indoors, or worse for the city, have people vacation to other areas because the problem is no longer tolerable.

1. Put an end to the endless growth of suburbia

Edmonton desperately needs to begin building up and refrain from building out. Part of the reason that the downtown core lacks life is that not enough human beings actually live there. The city is obsessed with the white picket fence/backyard concept, even if it is nearly an hour outside of the city’s core. This inclination to live on the outskirts of the heart of the city puts a huge burden on the city’s services, which in turn, raises the cost. It is time for Edmontonians to embrace the idea that one should live relatively close to where they work. So if you work downtown, would you mind living there as well? You likely won’t have to drive as much (if at all,) you can take advantage of the local facilities, and allow those who work on the Southside to, you guessed it, live on the Southside. Welcome to a new, greener, and unquestionably more intelligent way of living in Edmonton.